Paperback, $13.95
ISBN: 978-159858-740-1
140 pages

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Excerpted from the book

Chapter 1
"A journey of understanding" - Searching for Answers

A very important person

You see I had become a very important person. I was an Executive in a tough industry. I had climbed every ladder set in front of me until I reached that point. Not necessarily because I wanted to, but because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do. I was the 'husband-provider" in the relationshipo. As a result of all that climbing, I had provided very well for my wife and family - just ask me. I had enabled a nice lifestyle to which I believed my family had become accustomed. I worked so my wife didn't have to. My life made their “life of ease” possible, my wife’s especially. And in my biased opinion, it let my wife have the simpler life of a stay-at-home mom.

Doing something that I didn’t love, but that I felt I had to do to support my families lifestyle. With the growing disparity between my warped view of her life and the real view of mine, resentment flourished within our relationship.

~~~~~

The fraternity

I had many male brethren that felt the same way: bosses, peers and employees at work, friends and relatives at home, and even some brief acquaintances. It was a sort of secret fraternity of guys with stay-at-home wives. Guys brought and bound together by provider stress and mounting frustrations with their spouses. While our wives were “living the life of Riley”, us Riley’s were busting our butts to support it. I imagine that many of the other guy’s wives, like mine, never really asked for that lifestyle. But over time they were assigned the responsibility (blame) for it nonetheless. I know mine was.

To top it off, our wives (and our relatioships with our wives) had changed since becoming stay-at-home Moms, and not for the better. What happened to the girl we married? She didn’t used to be so uptight. She didn’t nag us all the time. She was more spontaneous and affectionate, which meant she wanted sex more. The girl we married was a lot more fun.

~~~~~

Walk a mile

My Dad used to have a plaque on the wall of his office that read, “Never criticize a man until you walk a mile in his moccasins.” There were many times growing up that he used that saying to teach me about things like prejudice, equality, and respect. And I believe I exemplified that saying in my life when it came to the obvious things like race, religion, and socioeconomic status. But I never dreamed that someday it would apply to the girl I married. Before I began this journey, when I was trying to figure out what I was going to do to bring her back, I remembered that saying. And it hit me that it was exactly the place to start — walk a mile in her shoes.

I am proud of that moment. I believe my intentions were pure. I was embarking on a journey of understanding to find out what happened to the girl I married. Jumping into her shoes and doing her job as a stay-at-home parent seemed like a sensible way to start. I would trace her footsteps looking for clues, learning about her life along the way so when I found her she would see that I understood. I hoped that would be enough for her to trust me, so we could get back on the path together and repair our relationship — the girl I married and the guy she did.

~~~~~

Her job or mine?

When I began this journey I was performing her job, more like an actor playing a part. I was still me (that guy) putting on her shoes to do her job. As a result, the lessons I learned at the beginning of the journey were the more obvious, cerebral ones. Somewhere along the way, however, I forgot I was playing a part and I became the part. Her job became my job. Her small shoes became my big ones, but somehow they were even more uncomfortable. At that point I evolved from just learning things in my head to feeling them in my gut. And I started experiencing aspects of her job that I had no concept of at the beginning. It was then that the more subtle, complex and emotional discoveries started to happen and the lessons in them hit home. That process continued until I found the answers I was looking for. What happened to the girl I married? What was this new family relationship that we seemed to have? Where had she gone? And most importantly, how do I get her back on the path with me and rebuild the marriage we both desired? The answers weren’t what I expected.

And so my walk begins. Thank you for taking it with me. It’s my sincere hope that it helps you in some way if you also have a search underway.